Should I stay or should I go?

“Should I stay or should I go now? If I go there will be trouble and if I stay it will be double.” – Not only a good song by The Clash, but the question that’s been keeping me up every night during the past week. In July I was wondering how the hell would I survive two months alone in SE Asia. Now I can’t believe the two months had already passed. It seems as a split second but then again as a lifetime. So many things have happened, so many emotions have been felt, so many people entered my life and even though my wallet is empty, I am way richer than I was two months earlier.

Kuala Lumpur, 5 AM, can’t sleep, thoughts racing through my head, there are a zillion of them, no matter how hard I try I can’t control them, my return flight is in 4 days, I want to go back, I don’t want to go back, I crave things back home, I hate other things back home, I don’t know if this could ever be home, I know I am willing to see if it could be, I feel scared, I feel alone, I feel blessed, I feel amazed, I feel lost, I feel found.

Didn’t hear anyone’s voice in two months due to bad internet connections here, didn’t see their faces, didn’t see my youngest niece going to school for the first time, didn’t go to Maja’s birthday party nor shared magic moments dancing with Natasa and Seth Troxler. Didn’t spend time with my sister, didn’t hug my mom, didn’t scream talking to my friends (cause Croatian people can’t talk normally, we have to scream and shout all the time), didn’t go to a proper party, didn’t dress super nicely, didn’t eat something that’s not spicy, didn’t walk through the streets without being stared at.

Did see 5 new countries, did hug elephants, did wear rings around my neck as the longneck village women do, did meet the most wonderful young monk and had the purest conversation with him, did learn to drive a motorbike, did travel through Laos with an American and a Swiss guy, did see many temples, did get saved by a Spanish guy in Ha Noi, did get soaked in the pouring rain driving on his bike through the city, did meet the best French guys from Marseille, did feel like they were my soul mates, did surf, did dive, did free climb, did saw the clearest sea ever, did feel like I was in paradise, did see monkeys, did meet a grandma who survived two wars, did cry of happiness, did see rice fields, did meet a fabulous old friend after four years, did  make friends with his friends, did have a radio show about my travels, did enjoy writing about my travels, did live like every day was the last day of my life.

When I look at myself in the mirror I see a different person. My legs are full of mosquito bites, bruises and wounds. My hair looks as if I had been electrified. I have circles around my eyes. I’ve lost weight. The few pieces of clothes I have are getting pretty worn out. But if I look better I see someone who has seen and lived magic. Who has learnt some of the most valuable life lessons, who has so many stories to tell, who has wonderful moments to remember. Someone who has the opportunity to live many, many more memorable moments. Inside my heart there is a constant flame. One that cannot be extinguished. One that seems to focus on the do’s rather than the don’ts. One that wants to explore more. One that makes me want to see, hear, smell, feel more and more. One that takes me to dirty cities, lovely beaches, wondrous mountains, and leads to magnificent people. One that says: stay, there’s so much more to experience here.

So here I am, with no possessions, other than my backpack, empty pockets, looking like a gypsy but feeling like a queen, for having experienced what I have. My heart beats faster to the idea of staying far far away from a lot of people I love, my throat gets sore from the fear of not knowing how will I manage, my eyes get filled with tears both from sadness and happiness. With my pockets empty but my heart full I decide not to finish the most amazing adventure of my life. How will I do it? – I have no idea. Am I horribly afraid? – You bet. But they say: Leap and the net will appear. And really, all of my leaps have been followed by a net opening. So I shall do it once again! Screw it! Screw the return ticket, screw the fear, screw it all. If I go there will be trouble, so screw it, I’ll stay and make the trouble double. I did the same two months ago and what I got from it was wonderful. So as one of soul mates would say: Life is wonderful; you just have to live it!