Game over. Or has it just started?

Today I woke up knowing that there’s no going back. At least for now there isn’t. At least for a certain period of time. I had missed my flight from Bangkok to Budapest and will not be able to afford another one till God knows when. I had been taught better than to waste money. I had been taught better than to be irresponsible. I had been taught better than to not appreciate what I have. And that’s exactly why I did miss the flight. In the past two weeks my head was a mess, constantly thinking on how to organize things. Constantly thinking on how to get a refund on my ticket, writing documents, asking for advice, going to ticket offices, sending emails, thinking of what the hell I am doing with my life, thinking of how I will survive, feeling awful for not getting a refund. The thoughts have caused insomnia, stress and anxiety. And now it’s over. My airplane is somewhere in the air now, flying back home without me. Suddenly I am overwhelmed by peace.

I had gone to the balcony and sat down. A light breeze fluttered my hair and I stared at the big dusty city. For the first time in weeks I felt calm. Knowing that the decision that I have made cannot be taken back, my soul is at peace. What’s done is done and I should deal with it without questioning everything. It’s over now, there’s no turning back. Or is it over? Maybe it has just begun? As the end of a chapter leaves you wanting to read the next one, the plane that left without me leaves me eager to know what’s going to happen next.

When I meet people and they ask me what I do, most of them are surprised by the fact that a 26 year old with an education is not working and building up her career as she will not be this young forever and the future should be wisely considered. When my response is: “I travel”, most of them might think of me as a vagabond without a clear idea on her future. But see, the thing is that I am doing it because I actually am fully aware of what I want in the future. I am fully aware that I want my life to be a cluster of colours, emotions, smells, places and people. I am fully aware that being fulfilled is the only thing that I would settle for in my life. I am fully aware that no ambition can be greater than the one of creating a wonderful life for yourself and the people that you love, regardless of the amount you have on your bank account. Life does not have to follow a template that modern society would acknowledge, life does not have to be being miserable nor annoyed with the things you do, life can be whatever the hell you want it to be. It’s up to you what you decide to make of it.

Everyday I dance. If someone saw me I’d probably look like an idiot (not saying that it hasn’t already occurred – someone walks in and I can’t hear them because I have my headphones on). I spend most of my time listening to music. I am fascinated with the fact that a track can transport me to another universe and that it can make me see that magic exists. I eat chocolate, loads of chocolate, and then I eat some more chocolate. I know it’s probably not the healthiest thing, but I like it, so why the hell not? I write. I know it doesn’t provide me a salary, but it provides me a peaceful mind. I read. Whether it’s about politics, geography or fashion, I take time to find out the things I am interested in. I sit in parks. I look at the trees interact in the wind. I kiss people rather than shaking their hand. A lot of people find that weird, but see the thing is that humans need closeness to another human being, and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s ok to hug someone, it’s ok to show your weakness just as it is to show your strength. I don’t have to justify my actions nor the fact that I am not sitting in an office to others. It’s ok to just enjoy your life. It’s not only ok to take a holiday if you’ve been working like crazy throughout the year. You can make your life become a holiday. You can do whatever you want if you just try to think outside of the frame and realize that there is too many wonderful things in life to spend it not enjoying them.

The truth is that finally I know what I want to be when I grow up; I want to be happy. I am happy. Happiness comes in different forms and can be achieved in millions of different ways. Not being in an office does not make you a less worthy person; not having money to buy a new Chanel bag does not make you a poor person, neither does volunteering make you an exceptionally good one. I tend to believe that different people perceive happiness in different ways. Someone finds happiness in being great at his job, someone finds it in helping people, others find it traveling… As long as you find it, you’re good. Therefore as weird as I may seem to some people, I know that I have found what makes me happy. Maybe it will never pay off in cash, maybe it will never change the world, nor become the biggest achievement of all times. But it will be my biggest achievement, my salary and it will change my world.

Finishing one chapter of my life, I realize that the book is not finished. I realize that the game is not over at all. The feeling of wanting to know what happens in the next chapter fills my heart with excitement. I realize that there is a whole new beginning waiting for me. I realize that the game has just started. I realize there are so many more pages to read, so many more things to live.

Someday, when I’m old, I’ll be able to browse through all of these pages and know that a silly girl was right when she was going through each chapter of her life with an open heart even if it hurt like hell sometimes. That’s what made the chapters worth reading.

4 Comments

  • Tina says:

    Each post more breath-taking than the one before…This is becoming a novel I’m looking forward to read every week and can’t wait to see what will happen next 🙂
    Also, this world is becoming darker and darker each day, at least according to news chanels, so this has become my place to come and cheer myself up after watching the news 🙂 God job!

  • Hira Wajahat says:

    you chould totally hitch hike home …. stop by Karachi on the way 🙂 …

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